I got a text from my sister yesterday. She’d been in the public restroom with her three-year old for twenty minutes waiting for her to go pee, while my other niece decided to take advantage of her captive audience by misbehaving.
“Shoot me now!” she wrote.
“I wish I could,” I wrote back, “it would be the kindest thing.”
I went Christmas shopping yesterday too. Minus the toilet training, and with both my boys at the grandparents, you’d think I’d have an easy time of it.
Not so – Squirrel decided to take advantage of his captive audience by projecting all his seasonal angst on me.
Apparently, I’m doing this whole Christmas shopping thing wrong. Who knew?
I endured that lecture all the way to the parking lot of the first store where I suggested he might want to drop me off so he didn’t have to personally witness my deeply flawed shopping routine.
So when he returned only a few moments later, I did what any wife in my situation would do. I hid in aisle and made him come find me.
When he discovered me a few minutes later in the hardware section staring at a wall of mops and brooms, I was afraid we were going to have to go through the whole “focused shopping” lecture again. But instead he handed me a dark chocolate rosemary sea salt cookie. Turns out he’d gone to my favourite bakery to clear his head and ended up purchasing this much welcomed peace-offering.
Things went pretty well after that, we managed to complete our shopping and get home without too much squabbling, but when we pulled into the driveway, things took a turn for the worse.
For some reason, Squirrel took great exception to the fact that I had three sets of car keys in my purse.
That sparked a whole lecture on always putting my things away in the same place so I didn’t have to steal his keys. It went on and on and on and when it reached its most fevered pitched, I did what any sane person in my situation would do. I broke into a highly enthusiastic version of “Silent Night” – all six verses, making sure to miss all the high notes.
Who knew that would be so effective?
Slee-eeep in heavenly pee-eeeeace! Slee-eeep in heavenly peace!
Merry Christmas, everyone!